You Can Recreate the “Bling Bling” Music Video for About $35,000

"Jim Zeigler" (jimzeigler)
05/21/2015 at 10:45 • Filed to: bling bling, depreciation, bad articles

The material virtues extolled in modern rap are much the same as they’ve been for the past thirty-odd years. If anything, the money/clothes/hoes contingent has moved upscale, and the car references are no different. Rappers used to push pricey, yet attainable fare like !!!error: Indecipherable SUB-paragraph formatting!!! . Now the more fortunate gentlemen !!!error: Indecipherable SUB-paragraph formatting!!! , and the numbers !!!error: Indecipherable SUB-paragraph formatting!!! are commonly understood without direct allusions to Mercedes’ failed flagship Maybach (as a sidenote, !!!error: Indecipherable SUB-paragraph formatting!!! . That was like naming your record label “Betamax”).

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But let’s look backwards sixteen years to a simpler time. Cash Money Records was carving out a niche with a unique New Orleans grittiness backed by Mannie Fresh production. Juvenile taught us about the ‘Nolia projects with 400 Degreez, and Lil Wayne (a title that back then was bereft of any irony) was simply the standout performer in the Hot Boyz. The label’s disdain for “s” suffixes was only surpassed by their love for moderately high-end whips. Modern rappers create nonexistent vehicles like Khaled’s Bentley truck; Cash Money was content to “ !!!error: Indecipherable SUB-paragraph formatting!!! .”

It’s evident in their videos, too. Before the term was adopted by mainstream pop culture, “Bling Bling” was a single off B.G.’s Chopper City in the Ghetto release. The song’s video was standard fare for the time: a buncha dudes sitting around a lake sipping !!!error: Indecipherable SUB-paragraph formatting!!! and watching a helicopter fly around their compound in aimless circles. Sexy women gyrate in the background – considering the video was filmed in the late 90’s, it is safe to assume that these ladies are now mothers. And behind all this, the premier cars of the day sit like a mounted division awaiting their platinum-clad riders.

In the same vein as death and taxes, depreciation is an immortal bitch. When I last viewed this video, I realized how incredibly cheap most of these cars have become. If you have a buddy with a helicopter and $300 to spend on a Hummer limo rental, you can recreate this video for about the price of a Toyota Avalon.

C5 Corvette - $10,500

Also known as the trackday bargain of the century. The C5 was a revelation upon its release, and lightyears ahead of the venerable C4 in terms of engine and suspension design. It was the debut platform for the Gen III small-block motor, which you may know as the engine people swap into !!!error: Indecipherable SUB-paragraph formatting!!! and Fox-body Mustangs. Comparisons to the FD RX7 notwithstanding, it also displayed the slippery aero aesthetic of the times – and was the last ‘Vette with pop-up headlights. You can find decent early examples for a few pennies shy of $11,000 these days.

Jaguar S-Type - $3000

Jaguar is the posterchild of depreciation-class luxury vehicles. The !!!error: Indecipherable SUB-paragraph formatting!!! S-Type is no different. It was an unloved pile of garbage, but it looked cool enough to be baller-status for a few years after its release. V6 models can be found for around $3000, a small price to pay for looking classy as you sit on the side of the road waiting for a tow truck.

Jaguar XK8 - $6500

To continue the theme of distinguished vehicles with the resale value of HD-DVD players circa 2008, the XK8 also took center-stage. The XK8 remains an incredibly gorgeous car, if you ignore the rear bumper design. The successor to the XJS carried on the fine Jaguar tradition of painfully-long product cycles and laughable reliability. Luckily, you can now !!!error: Indecipherable SUB-paragraph formatting!!! into them with relative ease. An early XK coupe with an LS7/T56 is one of my personal dream cars.

Volkswagen New Beetle – Like, $850

It is only at this point that I question the taste of our Cash Money Millionaire heroes. I admit that the New Beetle created quite the impression when it first came out; I remember standing in a church parking lot with a small crowd around a neighbor’s new TDI with the hood popped. But shit, guys. It was a modern recreation of one of the cheapest people’s cars of all time. Such actions belie your capacity to stunt. I hope that this was a side-hoe car.

2nd-Gen Range Rover - $2700, plus the cost of a tow truck

Though their !!!error: Indecipherable SUB-paragraph formatting!!! as of late, Land Rover’s cornerstone tenet of hating their customers and selling them garbage has fortunately remained intact. If you consider !!!error: Indecipherable SUB-paragraph formatting!!! as a fun weekend project, they’re the perfect centerpiece for your museum of failure. Luckily, vehicles in rap videos primarily exist as a backdrop for you crouch in front of while spitting ad-libs. Tow it in front of the mansion, say your verse, and scrap the pile of shit.

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Lexus LX470 - $8300

Godspeed, you Toyota bastard. The LX470 and its Land Cruiser twin retain their value better than any other SUV of the era. Though you’re more likely to find them carting !!!error: Indecipherable SUB-paragraph formatting!!! than private school kids these days, they’re bulletproof reliable and reasonably luxurious. Plus, their offroad pedigree means you can fit 22’s with no adverse effects beyond ride quality and the immediate loss of your dignity.

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Times have changed. B.G.’s in jail, and Wayne’s been trying to leave Cash Money for the better part of a year. Birdman left the Jaguars in the past and now owns an honest-to-God Exelero. Watching old rap videos is like visiting ancient ruins: the joy of opulence is fleeting, and all good things must end. Somwhere deep in a Westwego wrecking yard, a flood-damaged S-Type is lined up to be crushed. But if you go there at night, and the winds catch the jagged safety glass of the windshield at the right time, you may hear a whisper that will chill your blood like the iced-out Rollies of days past: “Bling bling.”

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Jim sometimes drinks when he writes, which is how you get a 1000 word piece on “Bling Bling.” You can read the rest of his material !!!error: Indecipherable SUB-paragraph formatting!!! - don’t worry, it’s all much better than this article.

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